


i'll give you the best years

by jaemwrld



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger, Angst, Fights, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Regret, Reminiscing, he wants to tho, jaemin doesn't know how to fix things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:33:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23589973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemwrld/pseuds/jaemwrld
Summary: it’s a shame. jaemin knows that some relationships were made to fall apart, this being one of them. he knew that no matter how much he hoped and wished and prayed, nothing would ever change this. the past is the past, not to say that you can’t change for the future, but he missed his chance a long time ago.alternatively,  jaemin reminisces on his past relationship with renjun. he thinks about everything he could have done better.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 15





	i'll give you the best years

**Author's Note:**

> \- based off of best years by 5sos, title is a lyric
> 
> it's not really portrayed like the song and has more of a hopeless undertone, rather than a hopeful one
> 
> i kinda full sent this oops
> 
> shoutout to liv for staying on the phone while i wrote this though, ily the most

remembering the past is such an easy trap for jaemin to fall into. he knows he shouldn’t, he knows it’s just a memory, a part of his life he can’t get back.

but, the past always has a funny way of sneaking up on jaemin, catching him off guard, coming for a visit when he least expects it, and this time, it arrives in the form of huang renjun. jaemin has thought about their relationship so much to the point that renjun’s name is practically tatted onto his brain; he can flawlessly navigate through all of the ups and downs, the rights and wrongs, everything in between.

it’s just another night, and like any other, jaemin finds himself flipping through the channels on his television. he’s terribly unamused by everything he finds and resorts to scrolling through twitter until he hears his doorbell chime. he’s confused by the unexpected visitor, seeing as it’s nearly two a.m.

he opens the door to find a drunken renjun on the steps of his apartment, drink in one hand, shoes in another. tears run down the older’s cheeks, leaving behind black streaks in its path as he rambles and rambles about some unknown that jaemin just can’t make out. jaemin can’t help but feel bad seeing renjun in such a ruined state by himself in the dead of the night.

“come in, jun. it’s freezing outside.”, jaemin tries to usher him inside, but to no avail.

“no jaemin! you don’t get to call me that anymore, you lost that privilege a long time ago..”, renjun slurs his words and stumbles over certain letters. jaemin can hear the hurt in his voice nonetheless, it’s loud, defensive, and in that moment, jaemin must live through the past once more, feeling like a monster yet again.

not one night passes where jaemin doesn’t think about all of the things he could have done better for renjun, all of the hurt he could have prevented. he relives his past every damn night and it hurts all the same. it hurts exactly like the first time.

“renjun, please, just come inside. you’ll catch a cold if you stay out there.”, he begs the older who remains on the steps, shivering from the night.

“FINE! but only because you asked..”, renjun pouts and jaemin can almost feel himself fall back in. renjun staggers through the front door and almost trips over his feet; jaemin is right there to catch him. he slowly escorts the older to the couch and watches him empty the rest of the bottle into his mouth.

“w-why did you do it?”

“do what, jun?”

“don’t call me that. why did you leave?”

jaemin feels his heart break a little more. hearing the devastation ring through the apartment, it’s cold, and he can’t bring himself to meet renjun’s eyes. he didn’t expect any of it. it had been about half a year since jaemin had even seen, let alone speak to the boy on his couch. it didn’t matter though, he had been living with the memories day in and day out, despite not seeing renjun at all. everything burned like hell and he could never really escape it unless he was out partying, drowning himself in vodka. and for a split second jaemin could forget about all of the pain and longing, even if just for a second. to him, it was better than nothing.

“i left because i wasn’t good for you, i was causing more harm than not. you deserve better than what you got from me.”, jaemin spoke quietly trying to fight back his tears.

“jaemin you don’t get to dictate what i deserve and what i don’t!! you don’t get to do that. that is my decision to make and if i wanted you to stay you shouldn’t have just walked away so easily. you gave up on us like a coward, when all i’ve ever wanted is you. jaemin it’s always been you, no matter what. you are my once in a lifetime. you always will be.”, renjun shakes and sobs as he spits out his thoughts. he cries just like he did the day they broke up. he cries with his entire body, he cries so much that he thinks his heart would just stop right then and there. jaemin just watches and feels his chest numb, ice filling his body. he didn’t quite know what to say or even how to apologize. jaemin never really took into account how negatively impacted renjun would be by his departure in their relationship. it was simple, jaemin knew that he was the problem and he thought that taking out the problem would fix what had been broken. never did he consider the collateral damage of it all. now he had to.

“renjun , i’m sorry. our relationship was just so _strained_. we practically fought every night and could barely look at each other in the mornings. we were hardly boyfriends, if anything we were strangers.”, jaemin chokes out while fighting back the lump in his throat. “that’s the thing jaemin! we didn’t even try to fix any of it. one night you called it quits and left, i woke up in the morning to a half empty bed, half of the room gone. you picked up your bags and left, just like that. i don’t think you understand. I have never felt heartbreak like that, ever. my body felt paralyzed and the only thing i could do was cry until i was dehydrated, until i passed out, just to do it all again the next day. it was unbearable, hell, it still is unbearable. i never got over you! you fucking fool, i never got over you. i’ve only found ways to live with the silence.” renjun spits out almost menacingly and jaemin can’t help but think about how he is still the cause of the older’s suffering.

“and you think you were the only one hurting?? jun that was the hardest decision i’ve ever had to make. i couldn’t bear seeing you break like that and our schedules weren’t aligning. we hardly saw each other and when we did, we fought. it was destructive, renjun. for me and for you. our relationship was destroying everything in its path, our health included. in that time, we drank more much alcohol than considered healthy and i’m honestly surprised i hadn’t destroyed my liver. i mean look at you now! you’re drunk off of your ass and we’re arguing at two in the fucking morning. nothing has changed, jun! we aren’t good for each other and we both know it’s true.”, jaemin shrieks. he can’t contain his tears anymore. he falls onto the couch and despite having said all of that, jaemin just wants to hold the boy in his arms. he wants to kiss the past away and start fresh, but how was he supposed to do that? renjun had been in his apartment for approximately thirty minutes and they were already explosive. they were already ruined, doomed from the start.

jaemin doesn’t care though, it seems like the only way to ease his pain is to fight fire with fire. he couldn’t seem to shake the memories and jaemin knew this was bad, that it was wrong, but he was _weak_. he was always weak around renjun, vulnerable as hell. he had done a good job of keeping a straight face and his emotions in check up until this point.

“renjun, i’m sorry. i want to make it better. c’mere”, jaemin opens his arms and renjun reluctantly crawls into his lap.

jaemin swears he could stay like this forever, running his fingers through renjun’s hair. god, it brought him back. it brought him back to the times when he was happy. but, he feels guilty, holding the broken pieces of the mess he made. jaemin never ever wanted to see renjun in such a miserable state again. jaemin would have rather taken a knife to his chest than see him hurting. he feels renjun’s breathing reach a steady pace and takes it as a sign that he has passed out.

“hey renjun. i want to apologize to you, i want to fix us. i really do. i know that you’re asleep right now and you probably won’t even remember the conversation we had, but i miss you. i never stopped missing you, love. i think that leaving you behind was the worst pain that i have ever experienced. i know, i’m selfish for deciding something so big like that on my own and you deserve so much better, baby. i just didn’t think i could live with myself knowing that i was the reason for your sadness. it happened slowly, jun. the light in your eyes would dim and dim and it got to a point where i could barely see it. i didn’t want to be the cause of the complete loss of light.”

jaemin wishes he could go back in time and knock himself in the face. renjun always deserved the best version of him, but jaemin couldn’t deliver.

“i’m sorry for not making enough of an effort. you were always my number one and i know it didn’t seem like it, but i swore upon the stars for you. i should’ve done more, school and work isn’t enough of an excuse for me to hide behind. i wish had taken you on all of the dates you dreamed of. i want to make it all up to you. i want to slow dance on the roof with you, drive with no destination, travel the world. i want to do it all over, turn the worst years into the best ones.”, jaemin spoke freely, knowing that renjun was sound asleep and wouldn't remember any of their conversation the next morning.

it’s a shame, though. jaemin knows that some relationships were made to fall apart, this being one of them. he knew that no matter how much he hoped and wished and _prayed_ , nothing would ever change this. the past is the past, not to say that you can’t change for the future, but he missed his chance a long time ago. there’s no way to uncry your tears, you can only wipe them away and move forward. he knows that time never slows for anyone. it’s unforgiving and threatening, constantly passing. him and renjun weren’t an exception.

**Author's Note:**

> once again! this is really short, but i hope you enjoy anyways. leave me anything in the comments! <3
> 
> with love, 
> 
> em


End file.
